Many people don't associate breakups with grief or bereavement, but it's actually the same thing. You are experiencing the loss of a person that was a very important part of your life, and it’s only natural to mourn.
Experts have identified seven different stages of grief. It is important to note however, that the progression from one stage to another is as unique as the individuals themselves. For instance, after a breakup you may find yourself in the Depression stage for six months, whereas others may move forwards (or backwards) in a matter of weeks.
Take a look at these seven stages, and identify where you may fall. This will give you a better understanding of what you’re going through, and a realization that the feelings you are experiencing are only natural. Have hope that you will progress in time, and will see the pain of today as a memory tomorrow.
The Seven Stages of Grief:
Shock & Denial – This period begins with the initial and stunning reality of the breakup. You may feel numb with disbelief. In order to cope with the initial shock of the pain, you may even slip into some level of denial – a natural defense mechanism. This stage can last for weeks.
Pain & Guilt – The period of pain settles in when the shock has subsided. This stage may be one of the more difficult to experience, but is necessary for full healing. Although the pain may at times be unbearable, it is important that you accept it and cope with it in a healthy way. Turning to drugs, alcohol, or other risky behavior can be detrimental to your recovery and personal health. Guilt can also come into play here, as you may feel deep remorse in how you may have contributed to the breakup.
Anger & Bargaining – This is where the overall frustration comes to a head. After you have experienced the pain of your loss, you will begin to look for blame. Depending on your personality style, you may even lash out at your ex or whomever you feel is the cause of your breakup. You must be careful during this time; even though you may feel quite strongly in your anger, it is important to maintain composure and not to hurt those in your war path. Try to keep your thought process as objective as possible. You may also find yourself bargaining, sending out prayers such as, “I will be a better person if you just send him back!” Although this may not deliver another chance at your relationship, it is perfectly natural to want to do whatever is necessary to end your current remorse.
Depression & Loneliness – A period of sad, quite reflection now ensues. Although your friends and family may try to console you or talk you out of this feeling of sadness, it may not be entirely effective. It is necessary and normal to fully experience this stage, and you must take your time with it. This stage may take longer than the others, as you fully feel the magnitude of your loss. Be easy on yourself at this point, and take whatever alone time you need. Feelings of emptiness, despair and loneliness will creep in – be patient, as it will eventually subside.
The Upward Turn – Now you begin with the more positive side of the healing process. As you begin to adjust to life without your significant other, you will feel a bit of relief from the sadness and pain. The depression may still linger, but only slightly. You begin to develop a daily routine that does not include your partner, and your life returns to some semblance of normalcy.
Reconstruction –Once you have begun a more functional existence, you will begin to reconstruct your life and focus more on rebuilding your internal structure. In the process, it is important to work towards goals of redefining & bettering yourself in the wake of your loss. This may include joining a gym, going back to school, taking a new job or tackling your financial situation. Take this opportunity to find the person you were before this relationship, while integrating the lessons you have learned from the breakup - all in a positive, constructive way.
Acceptance & Hope – Reality has sunk in, and the breakup is now part of your history. Although you may have accepted the ending of your relationship, it does not mean you will be instantly happy. It is normal to still feel the sadness of your loss, but you now have a more positive and peaceful perspective. Hope begins to rise, knowing that tomorrow is a new day and you can survive just fine without your ex-love.
This blog isn't about me, but sometimes when you're dealing with a breakup, it's helpful to know from someone else that it's going to be just fine. Two months ago, I was a complete mess. Today, I'm over it. I talked to my ex for the first time since we ended things and it's obvious that we're going to be just fine as friends. Like I mentioned in a previous post, sometimes it's worth keeping an ex in your life as a friend rather than cutting off all communication with them forever. It just takes time.
The stages of grief aren't always easy to go through. One day you'll think you're getting better and the next you might feel awful. But just know that one day you'll wake up, and just be over it.
I learned so much in the past two months. But probably the most important thing I learned had nothing to with my relationship or my ex, it had to do with my friends. Sometimes you have friends that aren't really there when you need them most. Maybe they don't know what to say, or maybe they really don't care all that much. Sometimes you find support from people you would least expect it from, and it teaches you to value these people more.
And sometimes you have friends that honestly drop everything just to sit next to you, hug you while you cry, and listen to all the ridiculous things you are saying for weeks on end. One friend in particular I've known since I was five, but until this summer, I never fully appreciated how amazing of a friend she really is. It does take these kinds of situations to find out who your real friends are, and I'm truly blessed.
You find out who your friends are.
<3
